Fishstick Friday

I had the weirdest dream yesterday, it was the kind that you wake up from in a hot sweat and pinch yourself to make sure thats actually NOT happening.

I was at my wedding, marrying Ben and I had done ABSOLUTELY nothing to prepare for it. I didn’t even have a dress and I had no idea where we were.

I showed up an hour late and because I didn’t have a dress I was forced to wear this ugly dark green felted tube top and a red flowered wrap skirt. Heinous. It was sort of a tribal ensemble and I also had not worked out, like a good bride to be should, and so my flabby tummy was hanging out for all the world to see. I tried sucking in but sometimes you know when you suck in and you can see some little puckers on ribs and stuff, I think of it as “pre-cellulite”? Yeah I had that all over my stomach. Gross.

People were rushing me to get ready and get out there, I was already over an hour late. I got my makeup done and thought I looked pretty good and was heading out. Suddenly i reached my hand up and felt that my hair was still wrapped in a wet towel!!!! How was I supposed to get married with a wet towel in my hair?? But the “people” dragging me along (I have no idea who these people were) wouldn’t let me stop and fix my hair. So I unwrapped the towel and tried to finger comb my hair so I looked less like a wet cat. It didn’t really work.

I walked out of the room I was in and into this weird restaurant thing that was to be where the ceremony was. There were a lot of people there but everyone was eating already and not paying ANY attention to me. I was like “uhh helllooo! It’s my day! Why are all of you not ooooo-ing and ahhhhh-ing over my beauty right now?!?”. The answer I got was “well you were an hour late, and we got hungry”.

I walked to the front and found Ben sitting at a table with his friends, when he saw me come up he came over and was like “oh glad you finally got here”, not sarcastic or anything but truly like he was glad I made it to our wedding. I don’t remember the actual getting married part, the next thing I remember was Ben saying “ok let’s go sit over here at this table with my friends”. And I was like “uh, ok?”.

The thing I recall most about the dream was this intense feeling of remorse about the fact that I had done nothing to plan for this special day. I kept saying “Can we do this over? I promise I’ll do better! I promise I’ll plan something and I won’t procrastinate!! I promise I promise.” But everyone was like “it’s too late. You’ll just have to accept this.”

So key takeaway is: I’m NOT ready to get married.

Thankfully thats ok because I have suspended that reality for another year at the least. PHEW.

Over the past few days so many possible topics have come to mind. The problem, I find, is that I many of my potential posts don’t have endings, they are not neat and tidy. I would not be able to wrap up my thoughts in a little package of 150 words and maybe a picture or video clip. For some reason that makes me feel like I can’t post about those topics. It’s very odd. It’s like if I’m going to take the time to write about something I should at least be able to state my complete well-thought-out opinion on the matter. To be honest I really don’t have a complete opinion on most things. I just have vague inclinations and half sincere ruminations on similar topics. And not to let the cat out of the bag but most of the time I can be swayed this way or that fairly easily, I might not admit it, but I’ve taken your two cents into consideration. But honestly if this blog is supposed to be a reflection of myself then I really just need to get over that, this is not rocket science, and like most things in life I am over thinking the SHIT out of it.

Heres a potential post that I may or may not elaborate on in the future:

1. Fake friends and what seems to be an excess amount of them.

One day I woke up and realized that I don’t want to spend any more energy investing in friendships that I don’t get any value from. This has been a hard thing to come to terms with for me. I’ve always struggled with making and keeping female friends and so even when those friendships turn no so great I always find myself holding on. I think I’m a pretty nostalgic person and I like to remember the good times, that’s one reason. I also know that I’ve always had this fantasy of having this super tight awesome group of girl friends that grow old together. We teach our daughters about their periods and cry on each others shoulders whenever we need to and there are lots of BBQ’s and millions of bottles of wine are shared throughout the years. We love each other through thick and thin. Doesn’t that give you a warm fuzzy feeling in your tummy? Honestly that does it for me, I would be elated to have that. And you know what? I think I am on my way. I’ve developed some of the best friendships in the last few years and I’m actually very proud of myself. It does not escape me that it is a little weird to be proud of yourself for making and keeping friends but oh well, I am a little weird. I partially blame this on being an only child, I think its a valid excuse but this isn’t really about the “why” its the “what” that’s the heart of it all.  If that makes any sense at all.

I think there will be a test of time element that has not been played out but for now I am happy with what has developed.

Then the tricky part starts. I’ve got a few clingers that are still sort of just there. Its the person that you casually talk to, there is a history element, but you suddenly have nothing in common. Hanging out has become a chore and you find yourself canceling plans more then you actually keep them. It’s an odd cycle that I have yet to grasp and really don’t know how to get out of. Do these things just die out? Both parties look the other way until their lives are so incredibly different it actually makes sense that they aren’t friends anymore. That notion makes me sad though. That dam nostalgia!