Fishstick Friday

So I just got mad at Ben for not giving me enough attention. The horrible make you want to vomit part is that he wasn’t giving me attention because he was figuring out arrangements for a funeral and memorial service he’s going to. Yes I know your brain is now flooded with thoughts about how awful a person I am. And yes I do feel bad. I have found a way to rationalize my behavior (imagine that!) through this logic: I have never lost anyone. I have never had to experience waking up everyday remembering that this person that you loved with all your heart is now gone. Completely gone and will never come back. I can’t understand that sadness, those emotions are too much for me to comprehend.

But Ben can.

He knows what its like to loose someone. I think every time he’s encountered with death it hits him harder because he’s gone through it. I imagine he can put himself in the shoes of the family members of this person and really know what they are going through. I also hate myself right now because it probably brings up all the emotions he felt when he went through it.

And again I am the insensitive overbearing girlfriend who has no emotions. Just call me IOGNE.

My Aunt has to have chemo. Her hair will fall out, she has to have this weird tube thing put in her chest so that she doesn’t have to continually get pricked by needles, the drugs will just come through her tube, kind of like a robot, or at least thats what I imagine.  She will be weak and tired in a lot of pain and unable to see my little cousins (well my second cousins her grandkids) for probably 4 months. Apparently little kids carry lots of little germs that can really hurt someone with a weak immune system.

All I know is that I want to cry every time I think about it. Every time the thought of her comes into my mind my eyes tear up and I almost can’t handle it. I hear myself telling other people about it and it doesn’t really feel like I’m actually saying it. Its like I have to detach myself from myself in order to tell people. Not that people ask. I don’t really know why I even tell people. If I don’t tell I feel like I have a secret, something that I should be sharing, but then when I say something it gets awkward because I don’t show emotion, which weirds people out. I tell people like I’m telling a story about someone else’s Aunt.

I’ve been trying to work through some of what I’m feeling and a lot of it I can’t define. This also coincides with a lot of work I’ve been trying to do with my therapist about having an open heart and getting rid of my crusty shell. I think I’m letting myself feel this more then I’ve felt things in awhile. I also think that I might be combining emotions from issues I have with my mom into this….”event”….? Everything is really jumbled up. Funny how emotions do that.

I do hate though that I haven’t been able to show these emotions to other people, well just Ben and my therapist. I’m going to go visit my Aunt in the end of June and I will want to punch myself in the stomach if I’m not able to cry in front of her.

I need her to witness my emotion and know that I am feeling it for HER, she needs to know that I love her. I need to have a moment with her where emotions are out there, everything is on the table, everything that has never been said gets said. My family is full of secrets and maybe something like cancer will bring people to the table and force us all to really look at each other and get over the bullshit. Thats a lot to ask, I know. But I will try and be as honest with her and myself as I can and allow myself to be vulnerable.

I found out yesterday that a family member’s cancer has come back. Breath. Gut wrenching sadness soon followed and then guilt in two forms.

Guilt #1:

I love this person but NO they are not in my life as much as they could be. Only recently did we start opening up to each other and I felt a stronger bond being formed between us. And the thought of them not being alive to be a part of my life and not having the chance to nurture our relationship was incredibly saddening.

Guilt factor #2:

I then realized how selfish my first reaction was. I only thought about myself and how much I would be affected by this person not being in my life anymore. What about all the other people that love and adore her? What about them. More sadness.

Its early and we don’t know everything, there are some good signs already, but obviously my brain goes here first. Goes to the worst possible thing that could happen.

Then I think why? Even though you cannot think why with this awful disease.  She is a vegan who grows the majority of her own food, drinks very little caffeine, lives and active healthy lifestyle and is surrounded by people that love her. She is interesting and always wants to learn. She is not a person who gets cancer.

She better be a person who beats cancer, AGAIN.