My Aunt has to have chemo. Her hair will fall out, she has to have this weird tube thing put in her chest so that she doesn’t have to continually get pricked by needles, the drugs will just come through her tube, kind of like a robot, or at least thats what I imagine. She will be weak and tired in a lot of pain and unable to see my little cousins (well my second cousins her grandkids) for probably 4 months. Apparently little kids carry lots of little germs that can really hurt someone with a weak immune system.
All I know is that I want to cry every time I think about it. Every time the thought of her comes into my mind my eyes tear up and I almost can’t handle it. I hear myself telling other people about it and it doesn’t really feel like I’m actually saying it. Its like I have to detach myself from myself in order to tell people. Not that people ask. I don’t really know why I even tell people. If I don’t tell I feel like I have a secret, something that I should be sharing, but then when I say something it gets awkward because I don’t show emotion, which weirds people out. I tell people like I’m telling a story about someone else’s Aunt.
I’ve been trying to work through some of what I’m feeling and a lot of it I can’t define. This also coincides with a lot of work I’ve been trying to do with my therapist about having an open heart and getting rid of my crusty shell. I think I’m letting myself feel this more then I’ve felt things in awhile. I also think that I might be combining emotions from issues I have with my mom into this….”event”….? Everything is really jumbled up. Funny how emotions do that.
I do hate though that I haven’t been able to show these emotions to other people, well just Ben and my therapist. I’m going to go visit my Aunt in the end of June and I will want to punch myself in the stomach if I’m not able to cry in front of her.
I need her to witness my emotion and know that I am feeling it for HER, she needs to know that I love her. I need to have a moment with her where emotions are out there, everything is on the table, everything that has never been said gets said. My family is full of secrets and maybe something like cancer will bring people to the table and force us all to really look at each other and get over the bullshit. Thats a lot to ask, I know. But I will try and be as honest with her and myself as I can and allow myself to be vulnerable.
