Fishstick Friday

I’m not sure thats really the most correct title for this post but what I’m trying to say is “I freaking hate it when I know people think I am not doing as good a job as I can be doing”.

I fully realize when people think I need to be rising to a level that I am not at. I see the opportunities going by me and I can hear people talking about things and obviously dismissing me from the realm of possibilities. In my opinion its ridiculous. I can do everything that they think I can’t, or that they think I am not ready for. BUT I can understand where they are coming from. I really haven’t proved myself 100%. I pushed myself to a certain level and then I stopped. If anyone was really paying any attention they would realize that. The unfortunate (Read: frustrating) thing is that people think that this is the highest level that I can achieve.

And it FUCKING kills me. It drives me so up the wall and really pisses me off. It also kind of hurts because I am so used to getting that kind of recognition and now I’m not.

Unfortunately my need to remain laid back and not fully invest myself in this is stronger then that anger. My need to not be a workaholic and be a complete person in other ways outweighs that feeling.

Well most of the time it does. Right now I feel like punching a wall and quiting and then getting a way better job and being the kick-ass-rock-star that I know I am and telling everyone to SUCK IT DEEP.

Breath.

I struggled with the title of this post, the other option was dichotomy. But since my last post started with a “d” I tried to mix it up a bit.

I had a stressful day at work. I hate it when I come home and I am still consumed by this churning of “what ifs” and to-do list items. Days like this make me start to think critically of the life that I have formed. Mainly I start to question my purpose, because I do not want to work until I die.

I often feel like I have two competing sides to my personality and there is little I can do to reconcile them. On the one hand I feel compelled to live simply and get rid of all my junk and eat pure organic food, work for a non-profit, ride my bike everywhere and live a  more peaceful centered life focusing on things that really matter.

But what does that mean….”things that really matter”…? I have no idea. This side of me tends to come out when I am stressed at work or the house is a mess or I feel like shit (per the previous post…I have been having some issues…ehm). But then I go out. I leave my bubble (this bubble encompasses home and work) and I realize that there is a lot in this world.

Then the other side comes out. I do love fashion and makeup and food thats bad for me and nice cars and fancy flashy things. I admit it!! I would love to drive a nice car and be completely put together every single day. I imagine I would derive some sort of warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach from knowing that everyday I look great….or at least that is the image I put out there.  

I think this and immediately am confronted by the fact that this is not me. I go to the supermarket in my pj’s with greasy hair and no makeup. I will never be always put together it is not me. And I will never be anti-consumerist and I will never be totally materialistic.

This leaves me somewhere floating in that middle gray area.

I yearn for absolutes. I want to be able to draw a line in the sand and say “no. I do not want that becuase that is not who I am.” Perhaps a better title for this post would have been “Balance”, because when it comes down to it, thats what I am really looking for.

Again, I refuse to give myself “homework”, I really just need to think and I know I am not really ready to act.