Fishstick Friday

Here is a quote that I am reading to myself everyday:

“In the end these things matter most:

How well did you love?

How fully did you love?

How deeply did you learn to let go?”

This is a lot easier said then done. Take for example when my mom calls me - fully inebriated - on Saturday night, after not calling me back for 2 days, saying “Is this the KBTCS pledge-a-thon?” To this I respond “Mom, why are you calling me?”. Realizing her error she says “Oh how did I call you? I was just watching this Steve Miller concert and wanted to donate. Sorry didn’t mean to call you. Whats up?”

This from a woman who makes me SPLIT dinner with her when she fully knows I am trying to save tons of money and oh and not to mention I am her DAUGHTER and that’s what you do with your DAUGHTER you buy her dinner. But donating to the stupid Steve Miller concert is a fully worthwhile endeavor. Are you kidding me? For the record I fully support parents having to bribe there kids to hang out with them.

But in all seriousness I am trying to just let it go. Just say “I can’t change this person” or “I won’t ever be what this person thinks I should be” I’m just going to get over it.

Whooo saaa.

On a separate note I think I might change the name of this blog to “Daily complaints. Cause really you don’t have enough in your life to worry about, why don’t you worry about my problems too!” I have just noticed that the content on here has been pretty depressing and/or bitchy. I’ll be making more of an effort to change that.

Otherwise known as Limbo. Not the fun kind of limbo that you do at Luau’s and Sock Hops, the kind that forces you TO NOT DO A DAM THING.

This is what I am conflicted about: I miss my life. I miss weekends and shopping and enjoying my job. I miss the little things as my life seems completely consumed by one HUGE thing.

BUT then I think about all the wonderful fantastic things that I am going to be doing and how much fun and all the adventures I will be having, for an ENTIRE YEAR.

Then I feel guilty. I think why am I so ungrateful that I cannot be 150% excited all the time about this amazing trip. Why can I not constantly think about all the things I am giving up to do this versus everything I will be gaining?

Here’s what I have determined: I’m never fully satisfied.

But you know what? I’m starting to be ok with that. I’m starting to understand that it’s ok to dive head first into something and then yearn for other things. I used to always wish (and sometimes still do) that I had one true passion that drove me and I would be so much better off because I was really good and really interested in ONE THING. I’m starting to realize that THAT is pretty much not going to happen.

I will always want more. I will always want something else. I will always be plotting and scheming trying to get myself to where I want to be at the time. But as long as I don’t forget my friends and keep the people I really love close to me, WHAT’S WRONG WITH FOLLOWING YOUR INTERESTS?

No it might not be a “passion” (yet) and no I might not be really good at it (at first), but YES I have always wanted to do it, and YES it might lead to other greater things.

If going on this trip teaches me nothing else then that it’s ok to do something different with my life then I will be satisfied. For once, but only for about a minute.

I struggled with the title of this post, the other option was dichotomy. But since my last post started with a “d” I tried to mix it up a bit.

I had a stressful day at work. I hate it when I come home and I am still consumed by this churning of “what ifs” and to-do list items. Days like this make me start to think critically of the life that I have formed. Mainly I start to question my purpose, because I do not want to work until I die.

I often feel like I have two competing sides to my personality and there is little I can do to reconcile them. On the one hand I feel compelled to live simply and get rid of all my junk and eat pure organic food, work for a non-profit, ride my bike everywhere and live a  more peaceful centered life focusing on things that really matter.

But what does that mean….”things that really matter”…? I have no idea. This side of me tends to come out when I am stressed at work or the house is a mess or I feel like shit (per the previous post…I have been having some issues…ehm). But then I go out. I leave my bubble (this bubble encompasses home and work) and I realize that there is a lot in this world.

Then the other side comes out. I do love fashion and makeup and food thats bad for me and nice cars and fancy flashy things. I admit it!! I would love to drive a nice car and be completely put together every single day. I imagine I would derive some sort of warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach from knowing that everyday I look great….or at least that is the image I put out there.  

I think this and immediately am confronted by the fact that this is not me. I go to the supermarket in my pj’s with greasy hair and no makeup. I will never be always put together it is not me. And I will never be anti-consumerist and I will never be totally materialistic.

This leaves me somewhere floating in that middle gray area.

I yearn for absolutes. I want to be able to draw a line in the sand and say “no. I do not want that becuase that is not who I am.” Perhaps a better title for this post would have been “Balance”, because when it comes down to it, thats what I am really looking for.

Again, I refuse to give myself “homework”, I really just need to think and I know I am not really ready to act.