Fishstick Friday

My Aunt has to have chemo. Her hair will fall out, she has to have this weird tube thing put in her chest so that she doesn’t have to continually get pricked by needles, the drugs will just come through her tube, kind of like a robot, or at least thats what I imagine.  She will be weak and tired in a lot of pain and unable to see my little cousins (well my second cousins her grandkids) for probably 4 months. Apparently little kids carry lots of little germs that can really hurt someone with a weak immune system.

All I know is that I want to cry every time I think about it. Every time the thought of her comes into my mind my eyes tear up and I almost can’t handle it. I hear myself telling other people about it and it doesn’t really feel like I’m actually saying it. Its like I have to detach myself from myself in order to tell people. Not that people ask. I don’t really know why I even tell people. If I don’t tell I feel like I have a secret, something that I should be sharing, but then when I say something it gets awkward because I don’t show emotion, which weirds people out. I tell people like I’m telling a story about someone else’s Aunt.

I’ve been trying to work through some of what I’m feeling and a lot of it I can’t define. This also coincides with a lot of work I’ve been trying to do with my therapist about having an open heart and getting rid of my crusty shell. I think I’m letting myself feel this more then I’ve felt things in awhile. I also think that I might be combining emotions from issues I have with my mom into this….”event”….? Everything is really jumbled up. Funny how emotions do that.

I do hate though that I haven’t been able to show these emotions to other people, well just Ben and my therapist. I’m going to go visit my Aunt in the end of June and I will want to punch myself in the stomach if I’m not able to cry in front of her.

I need her to witness my emotion and know that I am feeling it for HER, she needs to know that I love her. I need to have a moment with her where emotions are out there, everything is on the table, everything that has never been said gets said. My family is full of secrets and maybe something like cancer will bring people to the table and force us all to really look at each other and get over the bullshit. Thats a lot to ask, I know. But I will try and be as honest with her and myself as I can and allow myself to be vulnerable.

When I was in elementary and middle school I had 3 best friends. Laura, Karlie, and Alison.

We were tight. Everyday after school we hung out and had so much fun. We fought constantly and there was always some sort of civil war going on between two of us, but we always seemed to work it out.

Flash to 10 years later.

Laura - I just got a Facebook invite from her announcing:

“Laura’s 2008 Cross Continental Summer Road Trip. Because why should I limit myself to only hooking up with people in Seattle?”

The above sentence really captures my daily adventures on The Bus. Everyday something funny happens, I cross paths with some character or I witness some crazy random freak of nature incident.

And you know what: I love it. I love The Bus. I would consider myself a newly loyal bus rider. However my loyalty is being tested next week. The second (yes I said second) bus that I take in the morning is the #8. Joe is the bus driver of the #8 and people freaking LOVE this guy. I don’t even talk to him and I already know his life story and its sorta sad too, thats not really the point but for some reason I feel compelled to mention it. But anyway some of the really loyal bus riders have decided to throw a “Bus Riders Appreciation Party” next week - but its ONLY for people who ride the #8! They have even gone so far as to print out flyer’s complete with a detailed map of where the soirée will be held and what you should bring based on your last name (A-F brings and appetizer etc.). Its pretty much the funniest thing in the WORLD to me.

But sadly I don’t think that my bus loyalty goes this far. But I will laugh a little bit at them with how excited they are and then secretly feel bad if no one shows up.

1. Gardening. What I wouldn’t give for a little pea patch and the time to start a little garden of my own. I just think that it would be so incredibly gratifying to grow our own food and eat fresh, seasonal veggies. I certainly see myself trying to do this when we get back.

2. Studying fashion. People might read this and say “uhhh aren’t people who like fashion supposed to be fashionable?” Well my answer is not necessarily. “Style” is objective and really I think it comes down to taste. but anyway its less about studying and more about me wanting to make my own clothes and everyday be able to have a job where I get to be creative.

3. Working out. My winter hibernation has officially ended as I realize I can hardly fit into any of the pants that I own. I hate when you get to the point where you constantly think about how you look and how out of shape you are. It turns into an obsession and I really hate focusing on that type of stuff for too long. So I will be trying to eat better and work out regularly. The working out is going OK the eating is a lot harder! I’ve been trying to do a light weight workout (kinda of a mini circuit program) in the AM and then run for 30 mins after work. The running is going fine, the morning workouts are a little tough. Can’t quite seem to get out of bed!

I had the weirdest dream yesterday, it was the kind that you wake up from in a hot sweat and pinch yourself to make sure thats actually NOT happening.

I was at my wedding, marrying Ben and I had done ABSOLUTELY nothing to prepare for it. I didn’t even have a dress and I had no idea where we were.

I showed up an hour late and because I didn’t have a dress I was forced to wear this ugly dark green felted tube top and a red flowered wrap skirt. Heinous. It was sort of a tribal ensemble and I also had not worked out, like a good bride to be should, and so my flabby tummy was hanging out for all the world to see. I tried sucking in but sometimes you know when you suck in and you can see some little puckers on ribs and stuff, I think of it as “pre-cellulite”? Yeah I had that all over my stomach. Gross.

People were rushing me to get ready and get out there, I was already over an hour late. I got my makeup done and thought I looked pretty good and was heading out. Suddenly i reached my hand up and felt that my hair was still wrapped in a wet towel!!!! How was I supposed to get married with a wet towel in my hair?? But the “people” dragging me along (I have no idea who these people were) wouldn’t let me stop and fix my hair. So I unwrapped the towel and tried to finger comb my hair so I looked less like a wet cat. It didn’t really work.

I walked out of the room I was in and into this weird restaurant thing that was to be where the ceremony was. There were a lot of people there but everyone was eating already and not paying ANY attention to me. I was like “uhh helllooo! It’s my day! Why are all of you not ooooo-ing and ahhhhh-ing over my beauty right now?!?”. The answer I got was “well you were an hour late, and we got hungry”.

I walked to the front and found Ben sitting at a table with his friends, when he saw me come up he came over and was like “oh glad you finally got here”, not sarcastic or anything but truly like he was glad I made it to our wedding. I don’t remember the actual getting married part, the next thing I remember was Ben saying “ok let’s go sit over here at this table with my friends”. And I was like “uh, ok?”.

The thing I recall most about the dream was this intense feeling of remorse about the fact that I had done nothing to plan for this special day. I kept saying “Can we do this over? I promise I’ll do better! I promise I’ll plan something and I won’t procrastinate!! I promise I promise.” But everyone was like “it’s too late. You’ll just have to accept this.”

So key takeaway is: I’m NOT ready to get married.

Thankfully thats ok because I have suspended that reality for another year at the least. PHEW.

Otherwise known as Limbo. Not the fun kind of limbo that you do at Luau’s and Sock Hops, the kind that forces you TO NOT DO A DAM THING.

This is what I am conflicted about: I miss my life. I miss weekends and shopping and enjoying my job. I miss the little things as my life seems completely consumed by one HUGE thing.

BUT then I think about all the wonderful fantastic things that I am going to be doing and how much fun and all the adventures I will be having, for an ENTIRE YEAR.

Then I feel guilty. I think why am I so ungrateful that I cannot be 150% excited all the time about this amazing trip. Why can I not constantly think about all the things I am giving up to do this versus everything I will be gaining?

Here’s what I have determined: I’m never fully satisfied.

But you know what? I’m starting to be ok with that. I’m starting to understand that it’s ok to dive head first into something and then yearn for other things. I used to always wish (and sometimes still do) that I had one true passion that drove me and I would be so much better off because I was really good and really interested in ONE THING. I’m starting to realize that THAT is pretty much not going to happen.

I will always want more. I will always want something else. I will always be plotting and scheming trying to get myself to where I want to be at the time. But as long as I don’t forget my friends and keep the people I really love close to me, WHAT’S WRONG WITH FOLLOWING YOUR INTERESTS?

No it might not be a “passion” (yet) and no I might not be really good at it (at first), but YES I have always wanted to do it, and YES it might lead to other greater things.

If going on this trip teaches me nothing else then that it’s ok to do something different with my life then I will be satisfied. For once, but only for about a minute.

Lately I have been borderline obsessed. I’ve been scheming and plotting trying to figure out a way  to make money doing something that I really like and, almost as important, something that would allow me to set my own schedule.

I’m FULL of ideas for other people -

Carly should start a baking business, Kiersten should start a food blog, Maureen should keep doing her freelance thing.

But what about me? Why is it next to impossible to think about ideas for myself but opportunities for other people are crystal clear?

Right now I’m ignoring the fact that this is a glaring red flag that maybe I have no marketable skills that could be turned into a viable business opportunity.

Is there a market out there for someone who can think of business ideas for other people? Part of me says yes the other says no.

YES - sometimes people just need an outside perspective, some actionable steps and a little enthusiasm.

NO - If someone actually wanted to start a business then they would. Period. Most entrepreneurial people don’t need the “big idea”, they already have it, or think they have it.

You could probably call this being a consultant, but a little less in-depth.

I don’t think that idea is very realistic, for a thousand different reasons, but it seems lately that its the only thing I can do!

So while I continue to ruminate about my own future business feel free to send me your skill set and interests and perhaps I’ll be able to come up with something great for you.

I had very high hopes for you. Your ad campaign is flashy and fun, your check in kiosks were decked out with Macs and fresh flowers and Fergies “Glamorous” was playing softly in the background.  The inside of your plane was sleek and modern and your Red entertainment center was engaging and user friendly.

The first leg of my journey (SEA to LA) was uneventful I’d even go so far as to say “pleasant”.  Upon boarding the second half of my journey (LA to DC) I had a rude awakening. Being the last people on the plane due to a way-to-tight connection I was told there were no more pillows or blankets left on the flight, the funny part about this is not that its an OVERNIGHT FLIGHT and there SHOULD be enough blankets for everyone DUH, but that the flight attendant telling me this was holding two blankets and two pillows!! She quickly realized her mistake and said “oh these ones are for other passengers that asked for them earlier”. Hmmmm so because you (Virgin America) scheduled my flight making me have a too short layover I’m now being punished?? Are you kidding me? You run and airline - a huge logistical mess of an operation and you can’t ensure that there will be enough blankets and pillows?

As we made our way to the VERY BACK ROW 9not your fault I know but it needs to be pointed out) of the plane and tried to settle in without a blanket or a pillow or the ability to recline things just got worse.

Your need for a vibey aesthetic and cool atmosphere apparently does not include curtains between the last seats in the plane and the bathroom area and place where the flight attendants sits during the flight. The lack of this curtain allowed me to HEAR the stewardesses gossip ENDLESSLY about passengers on flights, the issues they had on the job and not to mention countless details about their personal life.

You would have thought the flight was staffed by a pack of WAILING MONKEYS.

I waited for the noise to subside and when it did not AT ALL. I turned around and said “Can you be quite?”. I received no reply but after I turned around I heard a snort and a small giggle, girl gossip code for “oh my god what a freaking bitch”. No more then 20 mins later did they start talking again at the same levels as before.

Let me remind you that this is an OVERNIGHT flight. I.E. a flight you are supposed to SLEEP through.

As I sat there with my ipod turned all the way up trying to block out the noise the man sitting in our aisle seat was unknowingly letting his blanket drop to the floor.  The same attendant I had asked a for a blanket from rushed over and said “Sir hold onto your blanket, those are hot commodities around here”. Are you kidding me!!!!!

Needless to say I got no sleep on the flight and walked off the plane in a mild coma.

I don’t think I had high expectations: A disposable blanket and pillow and a quiet atmosphere. I would give up your flashy entertainment center, your well dressed flight team, and your fancy adjustable headrests to know that I could be ensured those two things.

I found out yesterday that a family member’s cancer has come back. Breath. Gut wrenching sadness soon followed and then guilt in two forms.

Guilt #1:

I love this person but NO they are not in my life as much as they could be. Only recently did we start opening up to each other and I felt a stronger bond being formed between us. And the thought of them not being alive to be a part of my life and not having the chance to nurture our relationship was incredibly saddening.

Guilt factor #2:

I then realized how selfish my first reaction was. I only thought about myself and how much I would be affected by this person not being in my life anymore. What about all the other people that love and adore her? What about them. More sadness.

Its early and we don’t know everything, there are some good signs already, but obviously my brain goes here first. Goes to the worst possible thing that could happen.

Then I think why? Even though you cannot think why with this awful disease.  She is a vegan who grows the majority of her own food, drinks very little caffeine, lives and active healthy lifestyle and is surrounded by people that love her. She is interesting and always wants to learn. She is not a person who gets cancer.

She better be a person who beats cancer, AGAIN.

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