I woke up this morning thinking it was Thursday. Great way to start the day. I have been really uninspired lately to write anything. There just doesn’t really seem to be that much going on and I am in a perpetual state of BLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I have absolutely no inspiration to do anything. I don’t even want to do things that I shouldn’t be doing like surfing the web and looking at cool design blogs or spending hours on RedFin or Etsy. I just want to sit on the couch and zone out and EAT ice cream.

I have also started obsessively reading the Thailand section of our guidebook. As if reading it over and over will really prepare me for what we’re actually doing in the next year. The memorization is calming to me, makes me feel like I’ve actually been there before and will know what to do when we get there.

I’ve also noticed that Ben and I have begun to create this life for ourselves (in our minds) for when we get back. Typical sentences start with “When we get back from the trip……..” which is then followed by something, anything, that for reasons caused by the trip we can do right now. Essentially we have put a hold on our life. Which really I’m fine with because a lot of the things we talk about are BIG things like buying a house or new cars or career changes, which I don’t think I am ready for.

It’s been too nice to post lately. And I have actually been busy at work, which is RARE.

I also have had a lot of “adult” to-do items. Pull yourself out of the gutter, when I say “adult” I don’t mean buy a new vibrator or anything….even though that isn’t a bad idea. I call all my annoying grown-up things I have to do like “transfer car title” and “schedule immunization’s” adult to-do’s. 

 I am still in denial that I am actual 24 and, oh-what-do-you-know that makes me an actual adult! Ug.

The biggest highlight I have had recently was that Ben and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. So crazy to think about how your life can change in one year.

More to come + pictures on that as well.

Adding to this post :

15. Have recurring and meaningful involvement with a non-profit that I feel passionately about.

Ben and I have both gone to Portland a million times but we never see the city its usually stictly family time. So we decided that we would spend a day in P-town as tourists. It was incredibly selfish of us and a ton of fun.

In true B.S. fashion we ended up not doing a whole lot. Well it was hot and we were tired, so we ate and drank a lot and took a nap in a park.

Here is our day in pictures:

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about things that I want to do sometime in my life. I think this trip (and the fact that we are ACTUALLY DOING IT) has really opened my eyes to how much control I have over my own life. Which sounds weird but I think you get what I’m saying. I’m feeling less constrained by thoughts of “you should be doing this now” and more often thinking things like “that would be awesome, how could I make that happen?”.

So I’ve started…in my head…a rough “life list” of everything that I want to do in my life. I’m not including things like get married and have kids because I already know I want to do those things, these are outside of what I would consider my realm of “normalness”.

1. Travel the world (I had to put on gimmie on here that I could easily check off!)

2. Spend a summer on a sail boat in the San Juans

3. Live for a few months in a small city outside of Paris

4. Bike across Hawaii

5. Take a road trip from Washington to the coast of Mexico

6. Go to Vermont in the Fall

7. Take a motorcycle trip through Australia

8. Drive up to Alaska

9. Go on a kyaking camping trip

10. Learn to make my own clothes

11. Have a big vegetable garden

12. Learn photoshop and make my photoalbums

13. Learn about website design and make some money via the sites I design

14. Help build something like a house or a barn or a port-a-potty

15. I tired to round out the list by ending at 15 but I can’t think of the last one

There is a small part of me that feels a little lame that I only have 14 things on my list, well technically 13.

My work email is down. I have a few impending projects that I can’t really do a whole lot on because my email is down, blah. So I am, naturally, surfing the web avoiding what little work I actually can do.

I have heard a lot about the book “The 4-hour Work Week” by Tim Ferris but its been mixed reviews. Some people say he’s crazy and that his methods don’t work for everyone (…most people also think he’s a little eccentric and kind of cocky, ok really cocky…) but everyone seems to agree that he’s on to something.

I started reading his blog today and its pretty interesting. I like today’s post, specifically this quote:

Doing the Unrealistic is Easier Than Doing the Realistic

He advocates setting BIG goals, goals that motivate and inspire. I like that, I like it a lot.  The boldness of it really gets to me. I agree that his methods may not work for everyone and that they are a little bit out there. But I also think that (I have not read the book this is just me hypothesizing from what I have read about the book) most people could learn something from him about priorities and time management in relation to what your priorities are.

I’m going to put some thought into what my Big Bold Goal is and post it here soon. I imagine it will be something about how to NOT work and live all over the world, but I will fine tune that.

I’m not sure thats really the most correct title for this post but what I’m trying to say is “I freaking hate it when I know people think I am not doing as good a job as I can be doing”.

I fully realize when people think I need to be rising to a level that I am not at. I see the opportunities going by me and I can hear people talking about things and obviously dismissing me from the realm of possibilities. In my opinion its ridiculous. I can do everything that they think I can’t, or that they think I am not ready for. BUT I can understand where they are coming from. I really haven’t proved myself 100%. I pushed myself to a certain level and then I stopped. If anyone was really paying any attention they would realize that. The unfortunate (Read: frustrating) thing is that people think that this is the highest level that I can achieve.

And it FUCKING kills me. It drives me so up the wall and really pisses me off. It also kind of hurts because I am so used to getting that kind of recognition and now I’m not.

Unfortunately my need to remain laid back and not fully invest myself in this is stronger then that anger. My need to not be a workaholic and be a complete person in other ways outweighs that feeling.

Well most of the time it does. Right now I feel like punching a wall and quiting and then getting a way better job and being the kick-ass-rock-star that I know I am and telling everyone to SUCK IT DEEP.

Breath.

So I just got mad at Ben for not giving me enough attention. The horrible make you want to vomit part is that he wasn’t giving me attention because he was figuring out arrangements for a funeral and memorial service he’s going to. Yes I know your brain is now flooded with thoughts about how awful a person I am. And yes I do feel bad. I have found a way to rationalize my behavior (imagine that!) through this logic: I have never lost anyone. I have never had to experience waking up everyday remembering that this person that you loved with all your heart is now gone. Completely gone and will never come back. I can’t understand that sadness, those emotions are too much for me to comprehend.

But Ben can.

He knows what its like to loose someone. I think every time he’s encountered with death it hits him harder because he’s gone through it. I imagine he can put himself in the shoes of the family members of this person and really know what they are going through. I also hate myself right now because it probably brings up all the emotions he felt when he went through it.

And again I am the insensitive overbearing girlfriend who has no emotions. Just call me IOGNE.

Oh wow. Good thing I have a fully functioning digestive system and was able to evacuate without much hesitancy.

For lunch we went here and oh my god was it good. Lets just say to good. As you read the second review you’ll notice what you may think is a typo - “dork” meat. You might say “come on people spell check it’s there for a reason”. But no its not a typo its PORK meat + DUCK meat which obviously = DORK meat. No joke. And I’m also not kidding when I tell you thats what I got to eat. Oh it also had cheddar cheese, mayo, ketchup, brown sugar mustard, and on the side there was sweet potato fries with BACON salt and, YES AND, a Nutella shake.

I think my heart might stop.

The story behind this place is that before opening the owner had to have gastric bypass surgery….in mexico….which he almost died from. I wondered before we went how someone who has such a tiny stomach could handle owning a place that you couldn’t actually enjoy for yourself? Sorta sounds like your own self made hell to me. But now I get it. It’s way to much. And while everyone needs to have it at least once, because my meal was amazing, I’m not sure my arteries or my intestines could handle the stress of another go round.

Here is a quote that I am reading to myself everyday:

“In the end these things matter most:

How well did you love?

How fully did you love?

How deeply did you learn to let go?”

This is a lot easier said then done. Take for example when my mom calls me - fully inebriated - on Saturday night, after not calling me back for 2 days, saying “Is this the KBTCS pledge-a-thon?” To this I respond “Mom, why are you calling me?”. Realizing her error she says “Oh how did I call you? I was just watching this Steve Miller concert and wanted to donate. Sorry didn’t mean to call you. Whats up?”

This from a woman who makes me SPLIT dinner with her when she fully knows I am trying to save tons of money and oh and not to mention I am her DAUGHTER and that’s what you do with your DAUGHTER you buy her dinner. But donating to the stupid Steve Miller concert is a fully worthwhile endeavor. Are you kidding me? For the record I fully support parents having to bribe there kids to hang out with them.

But in all seriousness I am trying to just let it go. Just say “I can’t change this person” or “I won’t ever be what this person thinks I should be” I’m just going to get over it.

Whooo saaa.

On a separate note I think I might change the name of this blog to “Daily complaints. Cause really you don’t have enough in your life to worry about, why don’t you worry about my problems too!” I have just noticed that the content on here has been pretty depressing and/or bitchy. I’ll be making more of an effort to change that.